First, I know this is a long post but I feel it can only benefit anyone reading it.
This is a problem that is NOT going away and needs to be addressed, not just by some...but by everyone!!!
Today
I received a phone call from one of the Mom's in a Grief Group I've
attended. She's having a difficult time, as is her husband and her
children. Her son committed suicide 2 years ago. Briefly, her story...
She
came home from work and went into her son's room as he was usually in
front of the TV and when she didn't see him, she went to the bathroom
and the door was closed. She knocked repeatedly and no answer. It was
locked. She called her husband and he forced open the door to find him
hanging inside of the shower. He had been dead for awhile.
The
guilt that both her and her husband feel is overwhelming and it's
normal when someone you love commits suicide because you always wonder
why you didn't see the signs, if one even knows what to look for
especially in a teenager as their behavior is unlike that of anyother
age group and they go through so many changes in a short amount of
time, but nevertheless, the guilt is always there.
They
both worry about the other kids they have as they have been in therapy
and one is not coping well at all and just wants the pain to stop. So,
we talked for quite awhile and she is going to take extra precautions
as she is exhibiting signs of wanting to "bail out."
She
called me as I have experienced the "wanting" to "bail out" but of
course never acted on it. She knew I would not judge her or preach the
all too famous and stale words,"Things will get better or don't think
like that." (Although these words and others are used by those who
truly care and they are well intentioned, they just do not help someone
who is wanting the pain to stop. And the reason it is so very important
to be well informed as how to properly help someone contemplating
suicide, as everyone has not "been there.")
These words do not apply to someone who is in such deep
pain and can't see past the next moment.
There is different help for different people. But, the one basic need
that will always exist is just..."Being There and Caring" as they feel
they have no reason to continue on in the state they are in.
The
reason I am posting this tonight is remembering all of the parents who
I spoke to at various meetings who did NOT see any signs OR did NOT
know WHAT SIGNS to look for.
So, I hope in a way to enlighten anyone who either has teens going
through a difficult time or even friends who need help and maybe there
is a way for you to guide them to get it, because when contemplating
suicide there is little to NO motivation to seek out help as all they
really want (and it's NOT to die) is for the PAIN to stop.
With the Holiday's fast approaching it may benefit someone to read what
has been researched and well, I might add, on the signs to look for in
teens and adults alike.
Warning Signs
When the page comes up click on the left with titles. There are many more to research also!
A lot of Free Information Available on Suicide
There
are many links that will explain how important it is to watch for these
Warning Signs, including articles on Teen Depression.
One major fact regarding Suicide:
In the past 25 years, while the general incidence of suicide has decreased, the rate for those between 15-24 has TRIPLED!!
It
is generally considered to be the second or third most common cause of
death among adolescents, even though it is seriously underreported.
These facts are also substantiated by the CDC.
Some sites on suicide claim these numbers are higher, again mostly due to the fact that they are not reported.
Letter To Anyone Considering Suicide From A Dad Who Lost His Son
I strongly suggest that every parent take a few minutes to read this.
It may save you a lifetime of pain.
"Written by Tony Salvatore in Memory of Paul A. Salvatore, 1968-96."
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
National Hope Line
KNOW I CARE...Solid
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You are right that in posting this it may help parents, Sisters/Brothers, relatives and friends. This is valuable even if someone doesn't have a teen. I think the # of teens committing suicide has risen due in part to them not knowing better times. All their lives so far they have been exposed to terrorism, corruption in Govt., war, etc. They need positive role models. And that starts with their favorite medium---the internet. Parental control over the sites that they can visit, and content they can view can go a long way. Plus, with the dialogue that it will create will help the communication between kids and parents.
Of course, this is coming from a man who never had children, so all of it can be taken with a grain of salt.
One in particular I think of often...Parental Control. Over what they can view on the Internet along with everything else they can view.
But like you mentioned, the Net is their favorite medium, and I think more care should go into raising children, moreso than anything else that's done in life.
And I truly believe that the children today have taken a "back seat" to so many of their parents pleasure's!
And I think that's a form of rejection and to go a bit further...borderlines on abuse.
Another "key" point you've made is Communication.
Thank You Squash for adding such words of wisdom. I always appreciate your stopping by!!!
Peace...Solid
Yes...so sad!
Peace gal...Solid
Our Church handed out yellow ribbons for us to wear this week to let others know what a huge problem this has become.....
STAY: do not leave the person alone
LISTEN: really listen take them seriously
GET HELP: WE ARE THEIR LIFELINE!!!! 1-800 SUICIDE 1-800 TALK
GREAT POST
I can't imagine the difficulties raising children in these times. I can't imagine the difficulties of being a child in these days. It seems as though all virtue has been tossed out the window and replaced with who has the most, the best. Stressors must be overwhelming and constant.
Since the early days of PSY classes I have always believed that two factors are necessary for a suicide of any age. Worthlessness and hopelessness. An encouraged child, a supported child, would have neither. A controlled child could have both.
When I was thirteen, I tried to OD on aspirin, all I did was puke my guts up, which only proved to me in my mind that I couldn't even do THAT right! At the time, I had gangs terrorizing me at school, even threatening to kill me. Being the oldest with two younger brothers and my dad away at sea in the Navy, my mom depended on me, so I rarely said anything about what I was going through at school, she had enough on her being both mom and dad with my daddy gone so much. And I had to run interference many times for my brothers to keep them out of trouble, took it on myself to protect them as big sister, I hated to see them get into trouble.
All the torments, ugly names, humiliating things done to me at school, and actual threats against my life by those at school convinced me that I was worthless, a failure, and that life held no hope for me. Who could love someone like me, a gawky teenager that was picked on every day at school, with my every flaw pointed out loudly to anyone in hearing range, as everyone laughed at me, then getting my butt kicked by a whole group of them in the girl's bathroom, while the teacher walked out, afraid to get involved?
Unloveable, ugly, a piece of shit, worthless, all those names and more were flung in my face, ground into my heart, and stained my very soul.
To me, it had to somehow be my fault, there was something wrong with me for others to hate me so. Damn, just talking about it makes me tear up, the pain has never, ever gone away...words hurt, rejection hurts, deeper than I'll ever be able to convey. What confused me the most was that, when we lived in Charleston, SC, I was popular in first and second grade, didn't have these problems, but somehow when we moved north, it all changed overnight. I was totally unprepared for what I faced, and it crushed me, my grades going from an A average to D's and F's, which only fed into my sense of worthlessness and being a failure.
After the failed attempt, which no one in my family knew about at the time, I started having panic attacks, and the worst attack hit me one night while I was washing dishes and singing Delta Dawn...I suddenly could NOT breathe, felt like I was having a heart attack. I went running into the living room, my mom saw me, called our neighbor two doors down to sit with my brothers, and my mom then drove me to the ER, hauling arse and running lights,,,she'd just gotten her driving license and was a nervous wreck herself.
I was fortunate that there was a psych doc on duty that night, I'll always remember his name cuz his last name was the same as ours, Doctor Pittman! LOL! He knew immediately what was wrong with me. He scheduled an appointment for us to come talk to him once I was stabilized, and when we went and he talked to me, he told my mother that she had better find a way to get me out of the situation, because no child at my age could survive what I was going through without either having a nervous breakdown or committing suicide.
I didn't want to die, I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted the fear to stop. And I felt so bad about myself by then that I believed I deserved to die.
My mother finally made arrangements for me to go live with her mother, my grandmother, the one who died this past spring. It's why her death has left me so empty and staggering, because she was the one who took me in and helped me find some stability here in Tennessee, where I finally found some normal school kids. It's also the reason for my strong bond with my brother who died in February, because he, too, went through much of what I did, and no one else understood the pain we shared...
Still, those feelings have never completely left me. My first abusive marriage certainly didn't help. It didn't help me when my second husband screwed around on me and then abandoned me and Rusty. It hasn't helped that I haven't been able to have a good relationship with anyone, something always goes horribly wrong. So, I'm a failure, and I know it, and I'm never going to go there again.
My self esteem has taken a huge beating over the 47 years I've been alive, and it hasn't stopped yet. I've still had people attack me, betray my trust, turn on me, and it hurts, dear GOD it hurts, maybe deeper for me than it would hurt others because of what I've been through. Losing my brother then my grandmother have only added to the load of pain I live with every day.
But I've found that there is only one person I can talk to with total openness about how I feel and what I'm going through, and that is you, Solid.
I come from a family where you're expected to suck it up and go on, and I do, but it's killing me inside. Others don't want to hear about your pain, they want you to be happy and tell jokes and be silly like life is one big circus. For me, it's been one big nightmare, but I'm still here, I'm still hanging in there, and I've stopped talking about my pain to anyone but you, because I realize others don't understand. I just lock it down the best I can and go on.
But I still hurt inside, behind the smile and the laughter is a universe of unshed tears, tears no one wants me to shed, tears no one wants to hear about, tears I cry in my dreams but bury when I'm awake.
Do I still have suicidal thoughts? Damn skippy, I do. Every single fukking day. I am living on the edge, but I refuse to go over that edge. I have a daughter who depends on me, and two sons who love me, and that keeps me alive. I can promise you that there is no way I'd be here now if not for my kids...and my mom.
The one other thing that has kept me hanging on is knowing what it would do to my mother if I finally checked out. She's been through enough, and I have no desire to put her through more. She's got a pacemaker, she's tired, we've got a lot of family stresses hitting us right now, and the last thing she'd need would be me being stupid and bailing on her and my kids and my responsibilities.
Doesn't mean I don't think about it. I do. I'm TIRED, it's been a rough ride for me, I know I'll be spending the rest of my life alone except for my kids, because I'll never, ever, ever be able to believe any man if he tells me he loves me, I won't be able to move past the pain to trusting on that deep a level, I figure it's just a matter of time before they change their mind and cheat on me or abuse me or just dump me, especially if hard times hit, it's all been done to me, so I can't go there any more, and that's just something I have to live with. Apparently, I'm unloveable, and I'm not worth standing by through thick or thin...so be it. I'll just have to live with that.
But I will do all I can to make the best of whatever time I have left in this life, and even though the thoughts still come to me, I have my reasons to move on in spite of those thoughts. I well understand how anyone feels when reaching that point of feeling like it's hopeless and no one gives a damn, I live it every day. I can only pray that people will wake up and really SEE their kids, SEE their loved ones, and FEEL what they feel, it doesn't matter if it's not what YOU feel, you have to get inside THEIR heads, and show them you care!!!!!
Sorry, didn't mean to make such a long comment.....and I need to get myself together, this has brought up a LOT of old pain that lives inside of me. Hugs, love you bunches! Thanks for posting about such an important topic...
Love...Solid
PS...I love that puupy dog!!!
This is so important as there will be ones there who are thinking about it, tried it and maybe this time, something that is said will hit home.
Knowing someone really cares about them, something for one reason or another...they just don't feel.
I know some friends who have told me..."God, if they just knew how loved they really were, but they felt so alienated, so hopeless."
(These were parents who buried their children due to suicide)
Do let me know how it went. I would be interested in knowing if some come forward, reach out!!
This is such a "good" thing you are getting involved in, and wouldn't it be ideal if every parent took the time instead of letting the fear of "it happening to them" stop them from helping their loved ones?
Take Care and thanks so much for stopping by/letting me know that you "are" aware of how serious this problem is!
Peace and Much Love to you...Solid
I feel that the TV has taken the place of conversation! I also believe that children/teens have taken a "back seat" to many of their parents pleasures (as I've shared with Squash, above)
I agree 100% with everything you've written!!
And I hope more people read it!!!
It is a problem and it's not going away and parents will continue to ignore this subject as it is one that doesn't happen to them, just other people. But thank God I'm hearing more and more people talking about it...teens talking with each other about it and as Heide mentioned (comment above) that some people ARE becomming aware of how serious this problem is and as uncomfortable as it makes them feel, they are showing the desire to learn more to be able to help!!!
Peace my Friend and Thank You for your interest in commenting!!!
Solid
First, I have an enormous amount of respect for you and one of the reasons is in your writing this.
Your courage in admitting your deepest feelings and your fragility speaks to my heart in so many ways. As many could feel like this but never dream of writing it down.
This is "healthy." Very healthy!!!!!
I'm also glad you felt comfortable in coming here and sharing this, as it is so important to allow others to see how events in our lives can escalate and become overbearing to the point where we just want the PAIN TO STOP!!!!! In ANY way!!!
Emotional abuse is as dangerous if not more, than physical...in MY opinion. It leaves so many scars, and worse than that, open wounds that are never healed as what can heal them is not available to us. Available, some choice of words, hugh?
In reading this I hear the voices, loud and clear, of the many parents who buried their children due to their feelings of hopelessness.
The normal "guilt" that is felt in a suicide's survivor becomes much more complicated as they begin to "deal" with the past and sometimes this is never done. It is very difficult WORK, as is all grief work, the dealing, the feeling...the healing.
Instead of "guilt" and the heavy burden of trying to exist when living with in, I would rather see those take "responsibility" because at least then, they would have learned something from the death and could prevent it from happening again.
Not that we're God or the Center of the Universe and can control life and death, BUT, there ARE things that we CAN and should NOT do, and some of it is obvious and some is learned.
I have seen first hand that by example, lives have been saved! One in particular is a Dad who's daughter committed suicide and he also found her...an image that will haunt him for as long as he lives...he went into therapy and learned so much about himself and also about one of his character defects, and we all have them, just not all are recognized and dealt with, and it was being very "controlling."
His expectations for her were just so "idealistic" and layed upon her such a heavy burden, as she could not have possibly, lived up to them, thus her feelings of low self-esteem (never feeling "good enough") and her overwhelming feelings of "hopelessness" which in the end had consumed her. She ended her pain.
Dad found many journals that she kept and in them spoke about how she could NEVER live up to his standards and she loved him SO MUCH and just wanted to please him, but of course this could never be a reality!!
Now, not everyone handles it in this way. In fact, some don't even SEE IT as rejection. They just feel that Dad is a jerk and that's the end of that.
But who on earth wants to play GOD and take for granted that what they are doing will NOT AFFECT THEIR CHILDREN IN ANY WAY??????
I personally, would NOT!!!
So, in closing with this story that has so much to do with everything you have shared here, he (Dad) went on to take "parenting classes." and it's NOTHING to be ashamed of. Everyone is not a "natural nurturer!!"
His remaining child, his son, was exhibiting similar signs as his daughter and they were both in therapy, and as we all know that one suicide can plant a deep dark seed in anyone's mind and the mind when a child/teen is so fragile, moreso because they are beginning to form their own foundation in life and they are very difficult years...he started to see the benefits of the change he was so desperately trying to make.
Dad and son continue therapy and continue to do well!!!
But, just an example of the many factors contributing to ones low self-esteem, all of the ones you so honestly shared here, Ren!!
I pray that those reading your words keep them ever so close to their hearts, as the life they save may be...their own.
I feel one of the most important points you made here is "suppressing" your feelings and how dangerous this can become, for not only you, but also the ones around you, that love and care so much for you.
I see through different eyes, I guess, as when I look at you I see an open, loving heart, a wonderful parent, selfless in every way, a trusted friend with love unconditional abound, and a mate that someone out there will strike "oil, baby" when they meet up with one glorious day!!!!!
Thanks Ren so much for sharing this with all of us!! It will mean so much to one listening and feeling as if "things" will NOT get better.
They may never be GREAT, but at least they are...doable!!! (a word?)
I'm so glad we met and I know that in the near furure we will meet in person...hey, your daughter and my granddaughter are not that far apart in age...we could have some really cool POOL PARTIES!!!!
My sweet granddaughter, bless her heart, is JUST like her Daddy. And he taught her from the time she could understand..... to "feel" everything and how important this was. She does!! She is just like her Daddy!! Open, loving, caring...just a complete JOY!!!!! Just like her Daddy!!! I continue to instill the same as I know "no other way to live."
Thank You Ren for sharing your heart......
Take Gentle Care My Dear Friend and Know how Very Much I Care for you and Love you...Solid
i appreciate your posting this very informative post. Almost every year my sister attends a funeral of at least one suicide victim in her school district. It is the saddest kind of loss.
Suicide does not descriminate. It knows no sex. No age. It is the result of the most vital need for living...lack of Love!
True love. Truly caring.
It comes as no surprise to me, knowing your heart as I do, that you are realistic, aware and deeply love your children!!!
You are blessed. Your childen are blessed.
Thank You!
Peace My Friend...Solid
Peace gal...Solid
Please share with us so others can read...Thank You My Friend!!!
Love...Solid
Will check with kids from our Church to see how it went tho....
Had a darling boy from a near by town who killed himself this summer. He had just participated in a youth ralley with our Church, and seemed fine. Had a girl friend, etc. Everything A OK....This really shook up our kids from Church.....So they are more aware of the situation than most.
Again Sorry I could'nt be of more help......
And there usually is...surprise. No signs OR didn't know which ones to look for.
That age and a break-up is devestating for some...others are fine. It's the SOME we need to reach out to, let them know we HEAR them...bless their hearts...before it's too late!
Appreciate your coming by..Peace and Much Love to you...Solid
And I imagine that you 'do' still have your dark moments and the memories must flood in at times.
Know you always have my prayers and I care.
I am so very happy for your life...today!!! Only Love can make it better!!!
And your so right, we all still have much work to do!
Thanks so much PolarB for sharing!
Al My Love...Solid