In continuing the Gratitude series, I feel at this time in my life, as I'm dealing with some difficult situations and working very hard to blend coping mechanisms, (ones I know work but are long term, and others that could work when combined with my Faith,) so this is important for me to 'eyeball', as uncomfortable as it is for me.
Again, all of the pat cliches and pep talks about guilt being a heavy burden that no one needs to carry, and/or it is not a productive emotion so it should be discarded, I feel needs to be brushed aside and "guilt" needs to be confronted if we are ever to lift that weight we carry around in order to feel the peace that comes when freeing ourselves of such a huge burden.
But, I don't see it as cut and dry as this. I feel it can be a problem, prevent one from moving on in order to be healthier, both physically and mentally, and we all carry it around, to a certain degree.
Some use denial. Others justification. And some others play the "blame game."
Of course they are just deterrents and the real issues are actively eating away and while doing so, future issues cannot be dealt with, not in a practical sense, if we are still being dishonest with ourselves. And I think that some are: and it is not intentional. It's just been done so long the same way that it becomes natural to "not deal" and to use these same methods to try and relieve some of the pain that guilt causes us to feel.
Some examples:
Denial: "I don't feel any guilt. Guilt is a wasted emotion. It is not productive, so I wouldn't waste my time riding the "guilt-trip."
Justification: "I had every good reason to do and to feel as I did. He/she did something to me and I reacted in a reasonable manner. They told me I hurt them by the result of my actions. I've done nothing wrong!
They are the ones who need to rethink the situation."
The Blame Game: "Why does everyone twist my words around to make it look like I've done something wrong, even suggesting that I need to figure out why this happens to me over and over? I know it's their fault and that's all that matters.
Can't they see that? They're out to make me look bad, but it's not going to work because I would never do anything that would cause any feelings of guilt."
-Solid
"Let Gratitude Flow Naturally"
"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."
-Henry Miller
Nothing destroys a sense of gratitude faster than being told we "should" feel grateful. Some "shoulds" are necessary, e.g. in teaching manners to children (children learn not only by example, but by pairing instruction to example).
But when we try to experience gratitudes as a living force in our lives, guilt, whether imposed by others or by ourselves, is deadly.
We've probably all had someone in our lives tell us we should be grateful for something, or perhaps we say it to ourselves. Either way, this is the least likely way to promote an attitude of gratitude.
As far as I can tell, gratitude is generated in two ways: one, by a spontaneous upswelling of the heart toward the wonder of life and all its particulars, and two, by a conscious decision to practice looking at what's right in our lives rather than focusing on what's missing.
Either way, we don't get to gratitude by guilt-trips.
Guilt is a terrible motivator. It makes us want to run away from whatever is making us feel bad, and to avoid looking at whatever is underlying it.
I know for myself that there are days when it is impossible for me to feel thankful for anything no matter how hard I try-and if that's true for you sometimes, be gentle with yourself.
The more you allow what is true for you to be true, and, the less you "should" yourself, the more space you create for the possibility of gratitude to quietly, softly enter your heart.
-Sue Bender
Solid
